Case File 002: Being in a Body

Welcome to the weird, tender, often frustrating mystery of being in a body. In this episode, we crack open what it actually feels like to be consciousness in physical form—navigating health, identity, pain, pleasure, social perception, and the existential questions that surface in the middle of the night (or while waiting for test results with a pee jug).

We explore:

•  Metaphysical theories of consciousness and embodiment (materialism, idealism, the brain-as-receiver model, neutral monism)
•  Why existence feels like an ironic trade-off: the gift of experiencing reality through the “prism” of a body while negotiating its limitations
•  The body as a record keeper—how trauma, health conditions, and social identity shape personality and perception
•  Gendered experiences of embodiment
•  Near-death experiences, dream visitations, and the possibility of consciousness continuing beyond this life (or not)
•  The uneasy dance between detachment and presence, and how humor, spiritual practice, and mushroom metaphors help us stay here

Along the way, we share personal stories of illness, sensory overwhelm, weird grocery store interactions, and the ongoing negotiation of being “perceived” in public as neurodivergent, sensitive humans. We discuss how the body both anchors and challenges us—and how it might extend beyond the edges of our skin in ways science is only beginning to understand.

If you’ve ever felt the heaviness of being in a body, the absurdity of trying to maintain it, or the quiet miracle of existing in a physical world, this episode is your invitation to stake out the liminal spaces of embodiment with us—finding humor, solidarity, and small moments of peace within the weirdness of being alive.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Oh, how do we introduce ourselves in every episode? Well, I'm going to say... Welcome to Existential Detective Stakeout, Case File 2, Being in a Body. I'm Macy. I'm Jessie. And let's get into it. So, our topic today, being in a body. This is something I think about all the time. Let me know if you agree. I think existence and consciousness is the greatest mystery of all time. Yeah, for sure. Definitely. I think the physical realm is kind of... It feels like such a weird and ironic way to experience consciousness and unfair sometimes, but at the same time, it's the trade-off. What do you mean by that? For getting to investigate each aspect from a different angle. You mean like... If it was everything everywhere all at once, that's nothing. That's true, yeah. Being in a body kind of gives you this prism of experience to investigate perception in and of itself. That's true. Gee, I'm so glad. You're right. So I thought we could start this episode by talking about a few metaphysical theories.

UNKNOWN: 1:55

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00: 1:56

I don't have names associated with the theories. These are really easy to find online. But just wanted to cover a few things to give our audience a well-rounded base for thinking about what we're thinking about. So the first theory is materialism. Materialism posits that matter is the fundamental substance of reality and consciousness is emergent.

SPEAKER_01: 2:25

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 2:26

Personally, this one I don't really vibe with. No, actually, I'm not even going to be able to tell you what the full theory or where I saw this, but there was a study done recently and scientists are pretty sure all the particles are conscious. Like everything is conscious. Water particles, tree particles, everything is in some way conscious. That's like some panpsychism going on. So that might touch on some of these other ideas. So the second one is idealism, which is mind or consciousness is the basic underlying substance of existence and physical reality is either a manifestation of or dependent on the mental. This is the opposite of materialism. Right, right. That basically materialism or material emerges out of consciousness oh the grand illusion then like hologram theory that kind of thing uh yeah i think so would would come from idealism and then the next one is brain as receiver so consciousness is essentially a field separate from matter that the brain tunes into well that's the one that interests me the most and but let me ask you this what Let's do a little self-check. Is that because I, having had cancer as a child, and I've had many horrible things happen in this physical realm, do you think that's a way of dissociating? Is that just a way of dissociating from the body? Because that feels right to me. You're talking about comfort. You're talking about security. Yeah, I'm saying, is it a way to make myself feel safer? Could be. Because I was recently sick. I'm still getting over a terrible head cold. And I was having this whole fight with myself about being mad at my body. Like, my reaction when I get sick or hurt is to get angry with my body for betraying me. That's tough. I mean, like... bodies do that yeah and is it a betrayal no i mean when i'm having the conversation with my body my body says back bitch you betrayed me and then you take another sip of your frozen latte exactly So let's compare what we just talked about to this next theory, which is neutral monism. This is basically neutral reality stuff serves as a foundation for both mental and physical phenomena, which are seen as different constructions or perspectives on the underlying reality of reality stuff.

UNKNOWN: 5:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 5:38

So that's different than the consciousness field because the consciousness field or brain as a receiver looks at physical and mental as two separate things. Whereas this one says, these are all just perspectives and there's a whole underlying stuff that we don't understand. Yeah. I mean, yeah, for sure. I think there's a lot there, especially if you've read much Terrence McKenna. You know, like there's a lot going on beyond language and beyond the physical perception of the body that is still consciousness. But that doesn't do a lot for me in my experience. You know what I mean? With my personal psychology and perception of the world and how I deal with being a physical person, it doesn't really help for me to be like, well, you know, everything's just whatever. Yeah, I think... To me, these theories are all really semantic. And I think in lived experience, we know how important the mental and the spiritual is. I definitely don't vibe with materialism. Materialism just seems like A CEO's wet dream. I don't know. I don't like materialism in any regard. Not in philosophy, not in science, not in geopolitics. But the rest, to me, are really putting, well, either putting physical and mental on the same playing field or raising consciousness up to the primary and everything else is emerging from that. To me, those Right. Yes. Right. Yeah. No one asked for this. We all just were put here. We all emerged here. We landed here. We don't know why we're here, how we're here. And yet we know we all die. We don't know what happens then. But we live as if the non-material is not as important as the material. We're very material oriented. Right. And I don't mean everybody. I just mean like on the average. If you look at the way our society is constructed, the way we operate, everything else is secondary to the material. Right. And, um, I have some persons of interest for our stakeout that challenge this. Oh, one of those things is body keeps the score. Oh yes. The body keeps the score as in, um, The body internalizes experiences and trauma, not in a mental way, in a very physical way that you're not necessarily conscious of. Right. Yeah. It's in there. It's like your body is a book. It's a record. And even the chapters you're not reading right now are still in there. And they build the whole story. And if we're not paying attention to those things going on in the body... it can really get the better of us. Yeah, it can really distort your perception, not just of your body, but of the world. I feel like a lot of people are kind of walking around in this dysphoria about reality because of so many things going on. But I mean, just baseline, it's difficult to be in a physical body in this world. We've got a lot of things working against us. not the least of which, I mean, we have to recognize, too, the difference between the genders, being in a female body and being in a male body, you know, the different experiences there and what that means about how we behave and socialize and how much it shapes what we think is our personality. Yeah. I think a lot of my personality is derived from physical experience and the score that my body has kept. I think things like chronic pain, living through physical traumas has a way of working into your personality. Oh, yeah. And of course, those are traumas that you can deconstruct, but in a way, because of the body, you can't really completely deconstruct it if you can't literally, physically, completely heal from it. It's one of those like existential things that you cannot, that's an unreconcilable. You know, you just have to accept it. You know, that was another person of interest in our stakeout, mental and spiritual relationship to the physical.

UNKNOWN: 11:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 11:18

I think that's definitely an argument for some other thing than materialism going on. Yeah. Because if you ignore those things, they have a way of catching up with

SPEAKER_01: 11:33

you

SPEAKER_00: 11:34

through some sort of... I mean, it could be through a variety of things. It could be addiction, workaholism... Porn addiction, obsession with... Shopping addiction. Shopping, yep. It's all... We used to call that a long time ago the hole that would be filled. The void. Something we're trying to pacify or forget about that we know is there. And I think over time I've learned... I really have to accept and honor my spiritual side. And that's another thing that I think is interesting is the emergence of religion as a balm for consciousness. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, early religious practices were the same as seeing a doctor, you know? How so? I mean, when we were still kind of... pre-early agriculture, our shamans were our doctors. And I think there's something wrong with separating that. I think that that's created a lot of the, I mean, don't get me started on the American medical system, but when it's run just as a business, it's run like a mechanic shop. It's not really hitting all the points it needs to hit to reach our full physical potentials as human beings. And I think we're realizing that. Like, there have been a lot of studies about, you know, the effect of mental and spiritual health and support and practices and how those things actually lead to better outcomes physically. Right. Absolutely, yeah. You know what's interesting? I... I don't know where I heard or read this, but I heard that some shamans, maybe not all, actually put on the performance for their patient because they know that the psychodrama will have an effect. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with a little psychodrama. Psychodrama is how you get to the parts you can't reach. Yeah. Kind of spiritual surgery. So another person of interest in consciousness and being in a body, near-death experiences. And we're not talking about like, oh my God, I almost died on a rafting trip. We're talking, I did die. And then I came back like, Stopped breathing, consciously slept the body. There have been a lot of descriptions in near-death experiences of similar experiences people have had of things like leaving their body and seeing doctors working on them and going down the hall and hearing a conversation that they could not have been privy to when they were in their room. And, you know, meeting doctors people and having experiences getting a life review um having the opportunity to choose in some cases whether or not they return and you know obviously we don't have a good method to test the reality of these things and and you know what's actually happening um but and one of the One of the things I've heard arguments I've heard against this is, oh, you know, it's just like a release of chemicals in the brain during or it's drug induced or something of that nature. But if you really look into it, you'll find there are a lot of instances where those things wouldn't have been the case. Right. Things wouldn't have been a factor. So I really think it's something we can't explain. Yeah. Yeah, I get a little bummed out watching people try to explain it, though. Like, people who have had the experience of some sort of non-local event and or traveling during a moment when their body ceased to be alive. I think that we find ourselves really trying to narrate it, you know, to create a story of it to make it make sense.

UNKNOWN: 16:34

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00: 16:35

And I think the fact that everybody's experience is so different from one another's speaks to the idea of consciousness being, there's not like this one place that we're all going to, you know, necessarily, but consciousness is a lot different than we realize when the brain's not in the way, when the receiver is not doing all the work, you know? Yeah, I've heard some people describe it as almost like a curated experience. Right. Like the people they interact with, the experiences they have, the places they go are very bespoke to that person. Right, and it should be. I mean, that makes sense. This is your pure consciousness that's been kind of untethered and the veil lifted. So it's going to be... It's going to be a completely unique experience, I think. Given all that we've talked about, let's talk about our experiences being in a body. Yeah. I will say, as a kid, I felt... And when I say I'm a kid, I'm talking like three, four years old. I remember being very aware that it felt weird to be in a body. Yeah. I remember thinking... every day I wake up at this Macy person and I'm just going to keep doing this, I guess, for a while. And I remember thinking about how weird it was to be alive. I remember laying in bed at night and looking at my hands and being like, what is happening? Like, this is strange. And in a way that feeling has never left me. I think some people get really engaged in this reality and maybe kind of forget to be awed by what is happening it's not something i've forgotten and i do have moments of like deep engagement with this reality but for the most part

SPEAKER_01: 18:50

well

SPEAKER_00: 18:51

it always feels it always feels weird and i'm often like what is happening yeah So, you know, that's my early experience. Yeah. What about you? I mean, my early experience is very similar mixed in with like these moments of, well, the thing is when I was a kid, I had a lot of really intense dreams and night terrors and things. I had like some sort of sleeping problems and I would have crazy dreams and I, it was really difficult as a young child for me to believe that they weren't real and that this wasn't just another one of those, you know, like I kind of saw myself as not in these words, but kind of flipping through these channels, you know? And it seems like eventually I just settled on this one, you know? Do you think, I mean, You and I are both autistic. Do you think that could be a factor, that brain difference could be a factor in how we're experiencing and connecting with this reality? I think so, because there's nothing to say. We're odd in the way that we think, I think, just compared to most people that we've met. And maybe it's just not... maybe our stuff is still just narratives that we're applying to make things make sense, but we're okay with the story being a little louder and having less tied up threads. Yeah. We're okay with the loose ends. I think I prefer the loose ends. Yeah. I never trusted tied thread. Because, you know, like, Don't get me wrong. I have moments of like, I'm so mad that this politician did this thing and all of those things. I care about justice. I'm very concerned with things that are going on in the world and in society. But by the same token, I can't help but feel like this is all WWE. And on some level, we all know that this is all made up stuff that's going on. And we're all just kind of participating in a, in a, in a play, in a play. I, I hesitate to use the word game because there are a lot of really, you know, real and difficult experiences that people are having, you know, that don't feel like the game. Right. Um, But maybe a play, yeah. It's just, it's like, there's a little, it feels like there's a lot of performative stuff going on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's so much that's trying to convince you of a particular narrative, and there's so many narratives to choose from. It's kind of maddening. And there's a certain, for me, a certain comfort and detachment in that It's almost like it's easier to be dispassionate about what's going on and not take any of it too seriously. Right. And, you know, participate in the experience of being here, but not in a way that is too grasping. Right. It's kind of, it almost feels like Buddhist. Right. The world is perfect. Yeah. It's like... Non-attachment. See, there we are again. In the macro and in the micro, we find ways to detach and dissociate. Be unhealthy. You know, I see a counselor. So, you know, she doesn't seem to think I'm off my rocker. Yeah. You know, I think that everybody has to. I mean, what if you couldn't? What if you couldn't? Dissociate and attach. We'd all be so crazy and maladjusted and angry and choking each other. I mean, it's about a healthy balance. We see a lot of that, honestly. People who are so enraged on a drive that they just pull out a gun and shoot somebody. You've got to practice some non-attachment. Right. Dissociate for a moment, sir.

UNKNOWN: 23:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 23:43

So what about strange experiences? I know we've talked about those, having those separately. We've talked about, we've had experiences together that are definitely weird and unexplainable. One of the ones that sticks with me is when I was little, maybe like five-ish. I also had difficult night, you know, dreams, nightmares. Nightmares. Well, I would describe them as nightmares because I remembered them. Right. But I remember one experience I had where I saw a blue orb in my room. And it wanted me to follow it. I felt like I was awake and experiencing my surroundings, my house. This was Christmas Eve. Um, and I went down through the house and it had to be pretty late because, or early, depending on how you look at it. It was, it was early on Christmas morning, like probably three before the sun came up. Yes. Before the sun came up. But after my parents had set up Christmas stuff and it had me follow it downstairs and it took me to my Christmas stuff, which was a bunch, a bunch of, um, rainbow bright, like a rainbow bright kitchen. And some like strawberry shortcake stuff. Stuff that I really wanted and had asked for. And it told me, like not through words, but just kind of telepathically, look at this stuff. None of this stuff really matters. And then I went back to bed. And when I got up in the morning, I didn't care about the stuff. And my mom was so disappointed. But I've carried that message with me. Like, I don't know if it's a factor in my non-attachment or, you know, ease of detaching. But for some reason, that experience, like, I've just never forgotten it. Right. I've never had another one like it. Mm-hmm. But it felt so real. Right. And I don't know, like, you know, when I've looked into other people's experiences that have been similar, some people think it's astral projection. Some people think it's dreaming. I think, or some people think it could be really a real experience. And I don't remember it enough to say if I felt floaty or if I was actually walking or, you know, if I was actually physically touching the things that I saw. But I do remember very clearly what I saw when I got up in the morning was the same as what I had seen in that experience. It was like set up the same, you know, so I feel... So kind of if there was a message to be received, it was to know that there's something else. Yeah. There's other ways. Yeah. I mean, I feel like it was a real experience I had. I don't think it was a dream. Beyond that, I know nothing. Right. Yeah. What about you? Any weird experiences? Well, I'm reticent to call it a near-death experience, but when I was sick with cancer as a child, I did have an experience when I was in what ended up being a really rough surgery. where supposedly it was kind of touch and go. But my experience wasn't like a near-death experience that I've ever read about or heard about. Mine was just this weird feeling of shrinking down, shrinking really, really small into... But it wasn't just shrinking. It was like you shrank down so small you were in a new dimension. You know? Like Ant-Man? Yeah, but more. Even more. You know? so small that none of this even was there anymore. What was there? Hard to explain. It wasn't like this. It wasn't really physical. There were sounds and colors, but it wasn't like there was nothing discernibly physical about it. I think that probably the most accurate description would be like the... the descriptions people give you when they've done like a mushroom room trip, you know, and there's like shapes and colors and entities, but they're not specific, you know, I felt communicated to, but not, not in words and not even in mostly just in spatial concepts that I cannot put to words, you know, but, Yeah, you know, I think that there are a lot of people, actually, who've described near-death experiences not the same, but with equal difficulty in being able to describe it. Right. Because it's such a different experience than what we are having. Yeah. What about the communication? Like, what strikes you from that experience? Well, I mean, if I were to... say one thing that was being communicated, it was that this, whatever I was experiencing in that moment, the colors, the shapes, the weirdness, they were saying, this is always here. It's in every nook and cranny. That's interesting because we got similar opposing messages. Like your message was, this something that you don't experience every day is- Always there. Always there. And mine was- This physical stuff in your reality isn't meaningful. Right. Interesting. I think both are equally true. Yeah. I'll go a step further and say I think both are the same thing somehow. Say more about that. Well, that's kind of what the feeling was in that place. It was very kind of fractal and beautiful, but weird. And it just felt very much like everything that is, is not. Everything's opposite is, it is. Yeah. So if I were to, okay, so I'm not a religious person. I am a spiritual person, but I don't define that in any particular way. I don't believe in any specific entities. I don't align with any specific beliefs. But if I were to say that one thing makes sense to me, it is that we're all somehow part of one entity experiencing itself. Right. The big mushroom. In all the ways. The big mushroom, as you like to describe it. Yeah, I often describe the universe as one big mushroom that's just trying to experience itself. I mean, what would it be like to be on a mushroom trip as the mushroom? Here we are today. Yeah. Are we a mushroom trip? I think we are. Interesting. Something that I find fascinating is that people have such difficulty with this way of thinking. A lot of people don't. A lot of people have difficulty with not knowing and they want to know and they decide to know. Right. Yeah. The deciding to know, you know, just associate brother. Yeah. Right. Because ultimately I don't think that I feel scared of dying. Okay. Yeah. I don't think that I feel, I mean, like, obviously, I don't want to experience, like, pain and, you know. But I don't feel scared of what comes next, whether that is nothing or something. Right. I don't know when I came to be this way. Mm-hmm. It could be related to the fact that I've never been close to death.

UNKNOWN: 32:43

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00: 32:44

Maybe if I had an experience where I was near dying, I would feel more scared. Yeah, maybe. I know that I had a lot of trauma about, but I don't think any of my trauma was really related to dying per se, to the actual existential act of dying, right? It was related definitely to traumatic pain and physical experience. Most of the trauma I think was kind of social trauma. you know, it's a weird thing to go through socially and as a child. Yeah. With a family. Yeah. Scared of losing you. Right. It does something to your perspective on things. It does something to your behavior that I think was the harder part to deal with. When I think about actual death though, my bigger concern is that I won't, that this is the, The whole quantum immortality thing is the truth. And every time I die, I'm just going to wake up in a new, shittier reality. In other words, that consciousness can't end. Right. Yeah, I'm a little afraid of that. I'd really love it to end one day. Or would you love it to end or would you love it to be an easier experience? Yeah, I guess I'd love it to be an easier experience. But, I mean, sometimes I think about it and I'm like... really would love it to end. But a circle doesn't have an end, you know? Yeah. So I don't see how that's going to work out. You know, that brings me to an interesting thought about free will. There's a lot of talk about free will and whether we have it or whether we don't. I think we have the ability to make choices during the course of our experience, but I don't think we have free will. No. I mean, does a tree have pre-will? No. Why would we be the exception? Right. We were put here or ended up here, thrust into this experience. As far as we know, I say that caveat because some people who have had near-death experiences describe choosing their life experience. But as far as we know, we don't. We don't choose our experience. Our experience is something that happens to us. Right. And we can choose. We can make choices, basically. You can choose what college you go to or whether you do this or that today. But ontologically speaking, choosing, having choices is not the same as free will. Agreed. Agreed. Free will, to me, is being utterly free. Utterly free. Right. We don't have... the will to be in bodies that hurt less. Yeah. That's not an option. We don't really have free will, do we? We have options. I mean, my heart's going to beat. I can't stop it unless I die. Right. But, given what you just said, even if we die, we don't know that it'll end it. Yeah.

UNKNOWN: 36:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 36:06

I think if there's one thing worth having existential dread about, it probably is that. Immortality? Yeah. Immortality without free will. Right. That's that Gnostic trap they got us in. Tell me more about that. Well, you know what the Gnostics think that, you know, there's a couple of different versions of God and we got the shitty one and he's got us trapped here in a prison that we've got to kill him to get out of. Oh boy. How do we kill him? I don't know. I think we got to climb a mountain and punch him in the face. That's one version of narcissism. There are many. Yeah. Oh God. Being in a body. So many people are afraid of death and we've discovered that we're afraid of being alive. Another way we're weird folks. Yeah. What do you think about being in a body in this time in history? Well, I mean, as somebody in a female body, I feel like it's a kind of a weird negotiation, you know, socially anyway. Say more about that. Well, I mean, there's a lot to grapple with, you know, when they're, I mean, even now we are having rights taken away as women. I think that for me, I'm not to the stage of being able to really describe it, but there's this existential dread that comes with being a woman. You have to worry about your safety in so many more regards than men do. And it's not just physical safety, it's mental safety. In many ways, it feels like spiritual safety. It's security, just being able to take care of yourself. It's not being subjugated to have to belong to a man. There's just so much to mentally navigate as a woman that I think that men don't have to go through. Absolutely. I think that the truth is they will be going through it. They're going to have to reconcile with a lot of things, and they're starting to, and it's going to reach a critical mass. But they, as a whole, have not gotten to that point of exploration that I feel like women, especially in feminist circles and feminist philosophy, Simone de Beauvoir, we've really reached some philosophical heights that they have not even attempted. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. is because I'm socialized as a woman you know I've had that experience I've accepted that it's my experience but I don't feel like a woman I don't associate with the gender norms of being a woman yeah I was thinking about this for myself the other day and I really think that it's like okay I'm a woman but it seems like everybody else has a lot more to say about that than I really care about you know it's not necessarily about not identifying as a woman or identifying as a man even it's just like not really relevant to me but it's very relevant to other people yeah and so then I'm forced to think about it right yeah and that's kind of I know that the concept of a non-binary man or a non-binary woman can be confusing to people because it's like Right. Right. That's not who I am. Right. It's not really a topic of interest. Exactly. Right. And I've heard that can be more common in the neurodivergent community, that we are less attached in that way to gender norms and stereotypes. I think we're less attached to social identities. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I agree with that, too. That's an interesting quality of being in a body as a neurodivergent person. I mean, neurotypical people tend to, like if you're a supervisor and you're neurotypical, you're a supervisor. But if you're a supervisor and you're neurodivergent, you're kind of just, there's the separation that is performed in every interaction where you're like, Listen, we all know that they call me the boss, but we're going to work on this as a team, you know? Yes. It's a totally different experience to work with somebody who's neurodivergent versus somebody who's neurotypical. Yeah, I fully agree with that. And I've had very personal experiences with that, both in my experiences with leaders being neurodivergent and myself as a leader who is neurodivergent. Mm-hmm. It feels in that regard like so much of the being in the body conundrum comes from the perception that's being projected upon us by the roles we're put into, by the way we are treated, by the things that we are called. And that has very little to do with our own personal innate experience. 100% agree. Yeah, I think... When it comes to identity, I feel very loosey-goosey. Right. Exactly. Like, I don't need to be any one thing. Right. Yeah. I find that I tend to get a little weird about being one thing for too long when it comes to social expectations. And I think that's kind of just a neurotic reaction to living in modern society, but... It's something I negotiate pretty frequently. How so? Well, professionally, but I would say more often just in interactions with strangers, like your day-to-day grocery shopping trips and things like that. I feel like, and maybe it's because, I don't know, I just tend to get a reaction from people in public. It gets me into conversations that I didn't want to be a part of. And many times they end up enriching and fulfilling for that other person. And for me, it's just like this kind of not my responsibility feeling that makes me want to stay home. I think I understand because I've experienced this too. But for our listeners, can you give an example? I mean, I get people call me names. This guy called me a mysterical monster the other day. A what? Mysterical monster. What is that? I don't know, but I had to have a whole conversation with him about that. So what was his problem with you? Well, I don't think he had a problem with me so much as he was just kind of one of those people who just says things. and doesn't expect to be confronted about it. And I wanted to just sort that out for him and for the ladies in the future that he might call a hysterical monster. And I was like, what is it you mean by that? To myself, I says. And at first, he kind of just stared at me. And I just stared at him. And I didn't say anything. I was just thinking to myself, what is it you mean by that? And He stopped and he just kind of smiled, like really nicely smiled, genuinely. And then he put his hand out and shook it. And shook my hand. And then that was the interaction. He was just trying to get a reaction? I don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure if this example will help our listeners understand. I don't think so. I really don't. But it's a great story. Is Mysterical a word? Let's cut that. No, Mysterical is not a word. I don't know. I really liked it. I do. I use it all the time, then. That would be a great screen name, by the way. Mysterical Bodster? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to change my TikTok name to that. Mysterical Bodster. It's an archaic adjective meaning mysterious or mystic. I got the impression he meant like a mermaid, but maybe I was just thinking positively. It means the same thing as mysterious or mystical. Comes from Latin, mysterialis. I love it. Interesting. Enigmatic, cryptic, and inscrutable can be used as synonyms. I don't know. Maybe he was onto something. Yeah. Here's the thing, too. In these weird interactions, I'm never offended for some reason. You would think I'm kind of a cranky person. I would think I would get offended, and I don't get offended. I don't get offended. I think you save your cranky for your loved ones, which I support. They can handle it. Yeah. We can handle it. Well, they've heard the story about the Mysterical Monster Guy 150 times, and we've all gone, huh, what does it mean? Yeah. I don't have experiences like that. Well, that's what I'm saying though. There's something about me. I don't know if it's the way I look, but I do attract attention of people. It feels easy to come up with to me. I think like I took my daughter to the dollar store the other day and multiple, multiple people come up and ask me different questions. Like, where did you get that? Where'd you get your pants? You know, like, I don't know why that is the way it is. It's always been though. And I'm not like a, I'm a pretty, You know, what's the word I say? You're an introvert. Right. Yeah, I'm an introvert too. I do have experiences, not quite like that. I do think that you have an aura about you. I mean, I never really mind when people come up and talk to me. It just feels weird. I guess it feels, I have a weird thing about being perceived. As an autistic person, being perceived is kind of like its own whole feeling. So I think that's where the trouble lies. Well, I think there's something about you that is so non-attached to an identity that it's almost like People are seeing a cartoon character walk through their reality. Honestly, that is what I feel like I'm being treated like. It's like suddenly... Like a mascot walked in the room. Right. Everybody feels entitled to talk to them and get their attention. I think I have a more... I mean, I don't mean this to be negative about you, but I think I have a more grounded way of being perceived. And people do... want to talk to me, but they want to like spill their guts about personal things. Yeah. That's all that happens to me. I don't get like mysterious monster or whatever the hell. Yeah. Well, I get, I mean, if I'm in an intimate enough setting, I will get everybody's whole backstory, but I'm just out in the world. They'll just like call me out across the room. Okay. So, you know, I think that this is related to being in a body. Yeah. You and I, You and I almost met several times. Yes. We almost met hours away at a little small town concert when I was in college. We almost met multiple times at our local community college. I remember you distinctly being in a class that I was supposed to be in and you were not supposed to be in. And you realized that kind of early into the class. Made a scene, fell down. Made a scene, fell down, stepped in the trash can, knocked it over. And I will be honest with you, it seemed intentional. It was not. I believe that. I mean, I know you well enough to know it wasn't. I am a cartoon. Yes. That's probably why people react to you the way they do. Yeah. But you... Definitely stuck with me from that experience. And then when we did actually meet and became best friends, it all made sense. Right. Cause yeah, it's like suddenly Roger Rabbit appears. There's sound effects that go with me.

UNKNOWN: 49:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 49:48

Oh man, I love that about you. I'm sure it's annoying to you. Well, you know, unless you kind of gain some perspective on it, it can be a rough way to go through life, you know, and there have been periods of my life where it's been like, holy shit, what the hell? I think I've become, I've gotten a better sense of humor about it. And also I'm extremely, extremely secure in myself. I wear whatever I want. wherever i want and i am comfortable yep i do not worry about the way i look as it is concerned to other people i i i look the way i feel comfortable yeah and i never question myself on those kinds of things i've always kind of been like that but i've really matured into that Kind of invading every other aspect of me. Yeah. Like I'm going to do what I want and say what I want and be how I want everywhere all the time. I mean, that's part of it, isn't it? Like being in a female body and being totally comfortable with taking up space. Yeah. Gets you attention. Yeah. It also gets you in trouble. I mean, that's another factor of this is that sometimes men will spot me a 50 feet away and just not like me, you know? I don't like that very much at all. But it does help give you some running chance. Give you some what? Gives you a running chance, you know? Yeah, that's true. Get away before they get over to you. I can spot them, you know? That Dan over there don't like me. Let's go. Brad's and Chad's. Yeah, Tyler's and Dan's. My husband and I have a... running joke because I have, you know, a fascination with near-death experiences and I info dump about them to him. And one of the things I told him about was, you know, that many people mentioned having something called a soul contract or a plan, an agreement about things that they're going to do or accomplish or experience in their lifetime. Anytime I complain about anything, he's like, that's your soul contract or nice soul contract. You know, you know, like you chose this. That's hilarious. I know. When, you know, Tyler's running at you and Dan's running at you. Just remember. Nice soul contract. I hate that. I hate the idea that I like planned all this. Yeah. It really bums me out. I'm going to really kick myself in the ass when I wake up. Yeah. It's like I can't give any of it any credence. Right. You know, because we don't have any way of knowing. Right. And this could be some sort of interpretation, you know, a way of interpreting something that people are experiencing and their near-death experiences that they can't really appropriately describe. Yeah. Who knows? But... It is funny to think about. Funny or very disturbing to think about, just depending on the day. Yeah, it can be motivating, too. It can be like, well, I guess I'll just see this through since this is what I planned. You know, there are people who say that they have been given the option to leave or stay. And they chose to stay. And they chose to stay because... They were told they haven't fulfilled their mission or whatever, whatever that may be. And then another joke that we have is when people are being annoying.

SPEAKER_01: 53:42

Mm hmm.

SPEAKER_00: 53:43

instead of like bless their heart or something like that, we say just their soul's journey. They're on their soul's journey. I mean, I find that like if somebody is road raging and I'm just trying to go about my day and I don't want to be mad about it. Yeah. It's really easy to just say, yeah, I'm not going to let that. They're on their soul's journey. Yeah. It's not about me. Those kinds of things. I think sometimes things like that are less philosophical values that we have as they are dispositions or, or humors that we take on to cope. I think that's just fine. Yeah, me too. Anything else we want to share about being in a body? I'm going to keep being in this one so I can always report back to you. Same here. Sounds good. We're going to keep on trying out this whole body thing. We'll let you know how it goes. Yeah, I'll have plenty to say after I see my allergist and take two 24-hour pee tests. Now, what do you mean by that? You got to pee for 24 hours? Well, they give you a bucket. Oh. And they sit you over it for 24 straight hours. No. Every time you go pee, you have to transfer the pee into a bucket. So they give you like a thing that you pee into and then you pour it into the bucket and then you keep the bucket Well, she said in the fridge, but I'm not doing that. Does it need to stay cold? Can it go bad? I don't know why, but it needs to stay cold. And after I drop you off, I'm going to go get a styrofoam cooler and some ice. Okay. I can start my test tomorrow because I'm not putting that in the fridge. No. No. No. I wouldn't either. So I have to do that twice on two separate days.

UNKNOWN: 55:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 55:41

I don't know why, but my allergist thinks it's a good idea. So welcome to being in a body. It's a lot sometimes. Something we didn't really get into and that I think is a pretty defining factor for me and my evolving perception of my body is learning about fascia and how your body doesn't end at your skin. There is an aura of what is still ecologically you for about 50 feet outside of you. Really? Yes. Is there like literature on this? Mm-hmm. Oh, I'm going to have to look into that. I sent you a paper on it, remember? You did? Mm-hmm. Did I translate it with ChatGPT? No, I don't think so. Okay, then I... Maybe you should. I should because I probably read it and was like, I don't know what that

SPEAKER_01: 56:33

says.

UNKNOWN: 56:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 56:35

Yeah, maybe send it to me again because I don't know where that is. That's fascinating. Yeah, we can put it in our show notes. Yeah, the people should read about this. It's really interesting because like the fascia that we know about and that we work with in the body, we don't know enough about to do anything with because to medical science, it just looks like slime. But that extends way past your physical body. And we can measure this? Yes. Wow. Maybe this explains why I'm two weeks out from work travel where I flew on two different planes two times and worked in an office that I don't normally work at with people I don't normally talk to and I'm not recovered yet. My slime rubbed all up against the the sky and other people's slimes. Yeah. I'm calling it slime. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. I look forward to checking that out. Any last thoughts? Just hang in there, I guess. Yeah. Hang in there. And if you're one of those people who feels like it's very hard to be in a body, just know there are many of us having that experience. We're out there and you're not alone. There are moments of peace in the body. Peace that could not be known outside of the body. I mean, I think, if anything, it's important to cultivate that. Yeah. Think of your body as just a little mushroom spore meant to create gentle and warm moments. I love that. Okay. Thank you. Love you. Bye. Bye.

UNKNOWN: 58:30

Bye.